Bloggular Blog of Death!

Late Victorian Genius or Bizwarcho Author?

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 20:06:16 EST

For those fans of sarcasm and British comedy, may I recommend Three Men in a Boat by Victorian playwright Jerome K. Jerome of 1889 fame. This book, though partly stagnent due to older writing styles, holds some genius bits that appeal to even the most raging reader. Hard-core ranters like me can expect to find some odd parallels between late victorian england and daily life in 2006. I have printed out the following and posted it at my desk at work:

"It always seems to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.
You cannot give me too much work; to accumulate work has almost become a passion with me; my study is so full of it now that there is hardly an inch of room for any more.
I am careful of my work, too. Why, some of the work that I have by me now has been in my possession for years and years, and there isn�t a finger-mark on it. I take a great pride in my work; I take it down now and then and dust it. No one keeps his work in a better state of preservation than I do.
But, though I crave for work, I still like to be fair. I do not ask for more than my proper share. But I get it without asking for it � at least, so it appears to me � and this worries me."

Love it. Love.
Oddly enough, tenz reviewed a recent spin-off called To Say Nothing of the Dog which happens to be the subtitle of Three Men in a Boat. I'm reading To Say Nothing... presently.

Conflicted Jedi

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 16:19:14 EST

I'm trying to stay on the light side but it's damn hard - because like... people are bastards and I know I can just kill them and be done with it.

What to do if an anaconda attacks you

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 16:18:54 EST

I saw this in The Darwin Awards - "The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways. Of necessity, this honor is generally bestowed posthumously." Although I can't find this particular tale on the website, I did see and record this some time ago from one of the books... cause it's hillarious.

As far as I know this is an excerpt from some Military instruction booklet:
"What to Do if and Anaconda Attack You"
1. Do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground, place your arms tightly against your sides, and press your legs against one another.
3. Tuck in your chin.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and crawl over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. The snake will begin to swallow you from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When it has reached your knees slowly reach down, take your knife and slide it into the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg. Suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have a knife.
10. Be sure the knife is sharp.

And there you have it! The best ever.

Hail to Corporate Justice

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 18:05:12 EST

I fear I will likely be able to say this only once in my life. Today is the day. Hail, hail to corporate justice, when the right decisions are made in the right time. And so be it. Now that you've had a taste of that... prepare for the grand injustice, the likes of which you've never seen.

Jay Leno's Headlines

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 15:54:36 EST

I watched Jay Leno last night for the first time in... forever. It was there I saw two of the most brilliant statements as part of his "headlines" segment. Here ya go:

A young boy's suggestion to the elderly: "If you have blood sugar try taking a knife and making a cut to let it out. I read this in a pirate book."

An elderly woman comments on her golden years: "The only thing golden about my golden years is my urine."

I love it.
I really do.

Some Books Go Over-looked

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 10:26:01 EST

I know since only Tenz and I post in the book review section my addition of a book called The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde may go overlooked. This one comes highly recommended for it's classic brilliance. Since the death of Douglas Adams I've been swallowing Terry Pratchett books whole, and have now found a complement to my burning desire for quirky British humour in Mr. Fforde (who now lives in Wales so a wink and a nod to him!) This sense of humour has a flavour all its own and is greatly lacking in North America. Canadians are able to keep it alive, which is becoming increasingly difficult next to the intellectually "dead" USA, the blackened heart of which is, much to my dismay, spreading like a disease into Canada. Needless to say I will now proceed to read all Jasper Fforde's writings and become certifiably obsessed up to and likely past the release of the Hitchhiker's Movie.

I'm telling you, this book has everything. Fforde shadows me with his work and now I'm going to have to work extra hard to come up with something better. And so, my life's work has been sparked. Shame I'm not British.

HHGG - Put your mind at ease

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 17:18:00 EST

So I'm a little bit nervous about the pending Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie. (To open May 2005).
Disney
*cringe*
But wait a second, they pulled through with "The Emperor's New Groove" and "Pirates of the Caribbean". Failed classics like "Hunchback" and "Brother Bear" need not be mentioned here. I mean... these were the geniuses behind "Tron" right? I'm trying to make myself feel better here.
So I looked up some more info. It was the screen writer, Karey Kirkpatrick who brought me some hope. Read his blog on "not being Douglas Adams". He wrote "Chicken Run". Good, good. Any what else? He says he has faith in the directors and the actors were charged about the work. Excellent. My faith is being reborn.
Sam Rockwell is in it.
Now, if this ISN'T a movie worth seeing I'll have to gorge my eyes out. Better yet, I'll gorge out Sam's. Hear that Sam? I'm holding you personally responsible. If this movie makes me cry in a bad way I will know I can never trust you again. And I have trusted you Sam, and I have not been lead astray.
It gets better! Martin Freeman star of the lesser known (to those of us trapped in the unappealing word of American reality shows), cult BBC classic The Office will play Arthur Dent. Glorious. I knew him first as the naked guy in "Love Actually". *shrug* What can I say? I'm starting to love the guy. I knew I recognized him from somewhere!!
So let's get excited about the infinite improbability drive shall we?
Yes, yes, indeed we shall.

The Lord of the Rings: The Irony of the Hobbits' Fate

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 18:31:32 EST

As I completed watching the extended version of The Return of the King, I began to reflect on the themes and messages of the story. I've been so wrapped up the absolute brilliance of story-telling in the movie that I completely forgot about my first thoughts of the theme. When I read the books I could not get over the irony of the fate of the hobbits. This irony is as follows:

The hobbits, namely, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, through their grand adventures show their true bravery, loyalty, and will despite their size. They fight to save their precious Shire, and with the help of their friends save all of Middle Earth. What a grand a touching moment when the hobbits finally arrive back in the Shire for which they fought the darkest forces in existance. The purity and beauty of the hobbit way of life, was saved. But wait! Let's think about this. If Middle Earth is a mythology of our culture, then that means ultimately all hobbits are destroyed. Unless of course you've seen hobbits running around lately. The saving of the Shire and the dawning of the Age of Man by the obliteration of Sauron have done nothing except delay the inevitable. Instead of hobbits being taken captive and the Shire being burned to the ground by Orcs, the hobbit culture is slowly degenerated until only the men are left. What's the message I'm getting?

Although loyalty, valour, and goodness are worth fighting for, ultimately they do not prevail. I love that.

Why Am I a Magnet for Weirdos?

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 19:54:03 EST

I have decided to start with a running theme. That is, why weirdos are somehow drawn to me. I'm not sure why this is, but through some of my recollections of such events, I truly do seem to be a wonder :) Or... maybe I just look like I don't have any friends. So let's start with an old one. I have this one documented from July 30, 2001. I recorded it as a cute little poem cause... what else could I do with such a thing? It is all true. Every word. Behold! I am Merlin!

Don't look so confused... just read.

Bought a Yo-yo Yesterday

I bought a new yo-yo yesterday.
I walked down the street and played.
A little girl came out to see,
And then she called out to me:
"Girls can't play with yo-yos!
My older brother told me so."
I told her, "No, that is not true,
Your brother has lied to you.
Girls can play with yo-yos, watch.
Girls can do anything they want."
"Come over here and tell me why!"
Came the voice, the girl's little cry.
"Tell you why? I'll so you how!"
I crossed the street.
I showed her how.
She asked if I could be her friend,
And if she could call me Merlin.
I left the yo-yo in her hands,
And told her that I had to go.
I think I have enriched a mind,
But I kinda miss that new yo-yo.

The Long Awaited Star Wars Rant

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 10:47:08 EST

You knew it was coming... but you have to admit, you were a little bit scared.

Star Wars. The Rant of the Century.

Basically, I don't want to talk about it. It pains me to even think about it. The magic of Star Wars has been forever tainted. And it burns me to my very soul.

As of late, people have been approaching me excitedly exclaiming "Episode III comes out next year and it's called Revenge of the Sith!!" They look at me with wild, dancing eyes and wait for that same look in my eyes. What they see instead is an evil death-stare reminicent of the Emperor himself. What's the release date of Episode III? I don't care. It could be never for all I care. It's over. It's ruined. It's digital animation, sad attempts at comic relief, and over-done action scenes. Which, if you haven't guessed, is in fact... nothing. Star Wars without soul is Star Wars without meaning. Quite simply, a waste of everyone's time.

Let's not dwell on the title, because honestly, it's in line with epic titles like Return of the Jedi. Simplistic in their beauty, and just ridiculous enough to work. The Phantom Menace? Attack of the Clones? I don't know what the hell was going on there but it's something like Bantha poodoo.

It was really amazing to see in Episode I how the mysticism and comradery of the original trilogy was striped in a matter of 2 hours. I am still baffled by how this was actually acheived. How could something with so much potential leave you begging to see Luke Skywalker and his horrible lightsabre style instead of Darth Maul?? I don't know, but it just did. If that's what you were going for Mr. Lucas, you succeeded. The prequels have certainly made the original triology look good.

So what the hell happened? Has George Lucas, in his quest for success, been blinded by the metallic sheen of gold coins? What happened to the basic traditional themes that made the orginial trilogy so timeless? Where along the line did heroism become pretty faces and the mystical force become "scientific" midi-chlorians?

What have you done to our* story Mr. Lucas? What have you done??

And now for a change of pace, since I'm on a roll here with Star Wars. How kind of Mr. Lucas to finally release the original triology on DVD! Did I buy it? Have I even seen it? Hell no! Do I regret it? Not on your life! Some history of Mr. Lucas and myself regarding Star Wars and DVDs:

I was temporarily blinded by the flashiness of Episode I. When it was not released on DVD I was horrified. I wrote Mr. Lucas a heartfelt letter. I received a thank you note and a Queen Amidala bookmark in return. *fist* Years later, Episode I was released on DVD. I refused to even look at it. Why George Lucas feels he can control the flow of digital material in this world is beyond me. What did he gain with the wait? I... my brains are exploding just thinking about it. Needless to say George and I are no longer on speaking terms.

And then! Ho! The original trilogy is released on DVD! I punch displays as I walk past. I regret this not one bit. For I have heard... yes I have heard that the original trilogy has been further tampered with. You know the concluding scene of Return of the Jedi when everyone's celebrating the recent triumph? Ewoks are dancing and singing and having a lovely time. In the re-mastered version Lucas added celebrations from all over the Empire. All well in good, it kinda opens the story a bit beyond the Ewoks. BUT with the release to DVD this scene was further..."improved". You remember the happy scene where the spirits of Anakin, Yoda, and Obi-Wan are looking over the celebration with pride and joy? Yeah, well, someone took it upon himself to take liberties with his original story once again, not to mention the whole theme of the movie!! In the most recent version the old Anakin was replaced, that's right, replaced with a glaring, wholy evil-looking young Anakin!! Look half-way down the page on this site for pictures and description Like... what the hell?? That's not right! It's so very, very wrong! And so, George Lucas successfully ruins his own story. He must know the kind of effect his has on the fans. And, apparently, he does not care.

With that, let me say I cherish my original VHS copies of the triology. I will no sway from that. For I, yes I am of sterner stuff than George Lucas.

Did I mention I'm being extra generous by referring to him as "Mr." George Lucas? Because, really, I don't think he deserves it.

George Lucas is a bastard.

Damn. I feel better now. *prances as if freed from 20 years imprisonment*

*Footnote: I can say "our" because Star Wars is a modern telling of traditional mythical themes repeated throughout human history. (See "The Power of Myth" by Joseph Campbell - a mini-series filmed at the Lucas Ranch) Themes, mind you, that are non-existant in Episodes I and II. I hold little hope that this will be corrected in Episode III.

Super Pet vs. Pet Smart

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 20:03:56 EST

You likely don't know. PetSmart is a US based company. Super Pet is exclusively Canadian. London is home to one PetSmart and one Super Pet. PetSmart is in the North End and Super Pet is in the South end. Low and behold, they decide to build another PetSmart. And where do they choose to locate this new store?? That's right. ACROSS from Super Pet. Oh, US companies, why must you plague us so and put all our exclusively Canadian chains out of business? I fear the slaughter has already begun. Super Pet has already disabled their online catalogue. And so, I vow to only purchase my aquarium supplies from Super Pet, and Super Pet only. I will not give PetSmart the luxury of a link. Find it your own damn self. Go ahead, support them and their evil ways! Next edition: Future Shop vs. Best Buy. Although I generally feel the nerds at Future Shop are useless boobs, at least they work for a Canadian company. And so...I park in the Best Buy parking lot and walk to Future Shop. The end.

The Subservient Chicken

Mon, 26 Apr 2004 20:01:08 EST

All must see this fantabulous site. My only regret is that we at bizwarcho did not come up with such a novel idea :) Oh, and it advertises Burger King: The Bane of America. Hats off to the folks at: www.subservientchicken.com

Ah, My Neighbourhood

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 18:29:08 EST

I've officially seen the weirdest thing in my neighbourhood today. You know those plastic "vacuum" bags that you use to store stuff, and you can vacuum the air out to compress for more efficient storage? Yeah, well, there's a guy across the road putting his motorcycle in one. Good. Lord. What a great neighbourhood I have!!

I do the Quiz!!

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 21:41:32 EST

I'm joining in on the fun game. Although I find the first questions much more interesting than the last. It may be time for me to make my own info quiz... but not today. Because I'm lazy.

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:

I'm actually going to have to measure this...and the tape measure comes out! Yes, that's right, I'm surrounded by books :) So the book nearest to my centre of gravity (at a whopping 50cm) is the least exciting one... damn. Here's what she says: "Kids know about Spiderman. But do they know..." Hmm, more interesting than expected. *blink*

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?

I also touch nothing. But the directions are unclear. Up, down, horizontally? Let's just say that I can touch my paper recycling pail without moving my chair to the left...

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?

Ah, TV. It was actually the news. Shocking. I would say more, but I think I'll mention it under the "weird thing i've seen recently" question.

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:

How can I not look? There are a million clocks in here! Ok, so it's like... 9:16PM

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

9:15PM Damn, I'm good.

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

Goldfinger playing on my winamp, my fish tank bubbling, hum of the refigerator, dogs barking, police sirens, clocks ticking

7: When did you last step outside?

When I came home from work and my stupid neighbour didn't even wave at me and I drove right by him. *shakes head*

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?

The Weather Network webpage and the Metro Toronto Zoo site.

9: What are you wearing?

Ah ha! Great question...I... uh... a green sweater and orange pj pants and blue striped socks and polka dot slippers. That's right, all the height of fashion for my transition to sleeptime.

10: Did you dream last night?

As always, it was gripping.

11: When did you last laugh?

When I was watching Adventures in Babysitting. Great movie. Really takes you back. And it kills me. Maybe I should review it! Oh...wait... laziness setting in... :)

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?

A painting of a killer whale (I did it myself!), 8 tracks and 45s on a CD shelf, green bulletin board, a blue clock, a window, a celtic design, Titan A.E. poster, a clock that runs backwards, "Delusions of Grandeur" (yes, I even know the name of the artwork I own!!

13: Seen anything weird lately?

So there's this news report about a man who "does it his way". Basically he collects stuff. Some may call it garbage, and I of all people can appreciate the finding of precious objects on the side of the road, but this guy lives... in a dump. Like, he has some good stuff like antique washing machines and chairs and old trucks, but he doesn't even organize it. And he lives inside an old converted bus. With no running water. And that's right, he does his laundry in the antique washer using rain water. And he has a "junkyard dog" that doesn't bark. They finished the news report by playing the song: "I Did It My Way" while the guy and his dog walk off into the junkyard. And sure this is weird but... why is it on the news??? Now. That's weird.

14: What do you think of this quiz?

Ok, so why do I feel this is a trick question? If you really want to know, see my first comments above. WAY ahead of ya!

15: What is the last film you saw?

Adventures in Babysitting.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?

Your soul. Oh, you'd be surprised.

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:

Well you see, I can touch my paper recycling pail to my left without moving my chair. Yeah. I bet you're shocked out of your britches!

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

Change it so that when the world is mistreated the world fights back. There Earth Mother, you forgive me now?

19: Do you like to dance?

Yes. Especially Polka. You might not know that. But now... you... do. . .Who are you again? Ah yes, I own your soul! Muwahahaha!

20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?

Isn't he dead yet? Oh that's the Pope. Wait, he's not dead yet either.

21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

Chicken.

21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

Bucko.

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?

Yes. But I'd come back to Canada once I started getting old and sick. Ah, Canada, it should be everyone's final resting place.

23: Will you pass on this survey?

No, in fact I think this question is preposterous! Once I'm done typing this, I'm going to delete it.

Bell Admits Truth at Last!

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 18:29:16 EST

So, you know those new Bell commercials where the older brother explains Bell "deals" to his younger brother Terry? There's one where the older brother says something like: "Bundling means I get rid of one monster in your closet for one dollar, but I'll get rid of 3 for $1.50." He then proceeds to fight the monsters in the closet, comes out and says: "That's 3 out of 4." You know why I love this commercial? And no, it's not because it stars darling little boys. How can I express my dislike of the young clearly... I love it because it has a hidden message. It tells us the truth about Bell. What it means is Bell will give you a Bundle deal for Long Distance/Internet/Wireless, but they don't provide you with all the service you need :) I know I've still got one monster in my closet. And my phone bill is still painfully filled with excessive hidden charges despite the bundle "deals".

Good Morning Trashman Indeed!

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 20:49:22 EST

You may recall my little rant concerning the noisy and overly cheery trashman that wakes me up every Tuesday morning at an ungodly hour. Well, now I have a new job making ice cream. It just so happens that I work the first shift and am required to be at work by 6:00AM. What does this mean? That's right. I have to wake up at like 4:30AM. What else does it mean? You guessed it. I'm the one saying "Good Morning" to the noisy and overly cheery trashman on Tuesday mornings on my way across the parking lot. Oh this wretched, wretched world and all its karma. Curse the man for being so joyous in his early morning garbage collecting. Curse the wonderful world of ice cream for bringing this upon me!

Impostenating Mieu!

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 18:44:49 EST

So I've decided to copy mieu-mieu in all her blogging glory and play the mp3 game. I think it would be fun alright!! So here we go... luckily for me I have burned copies of my extensive mp3 collection and only have the "good songs" on my computer. Let's find out shall we?

1. Rush - Spirit of the Radio. Wow, that was admittedly a bit of a suprise. But how can you say no to a bit of Canadian content now and then?
2. Supergrass - Pumping on Your Stereo. Radio-Stereo? What is this? A theme? Geniunely good... but not so Canadian.
3. DJ Tiesto - Clockwork Orange. DJ who? Good lord. It's 6 minutes long too. But, a shockingly good mix of a bit of the old ultraviolence. Viddy well brother.
4. Moldly Peaches - Nothing Came Out. Damn I love this song. The lyrics are obscure. And they talk about Thundercats. Ho!
5. Yo La Tengo - I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend. Catchy little ditty. Continue.
6. Apotheosis - O-Fortuna (excalibur remix). Oh... you know... a remix of a famous operatic masterpiece. It's kinda like sacrilege. But it's really well done...and it has uh... cougar growls in it and something that sounds like demons.
7. The Strokes - The Modern Age.Now this really is a shame. Not one of their best songs.
8. Beulah - Popular Mechanics for Lovers.THIS: one of my favourite songs. Period.
9. Beulah - If We Can Land a Man on The Moon.More Beulah! These guys are just plain great.
10. Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - This Summer's Been Good.A charming Welsh band. Not their best song but... gotta love it.
11. Sublime - Wrong Way.And we advance into SKA mode. Trombone solo. *nod*
12. Hefner - Don't Flake Out on Me.Great British boys with some atypical songs. I bought 3 of their albums when I was in England.
13. Yo La Tengo - Sugarcube.What are these guys? My favourite band? Yeah there's good, and this song's not bad either.
14. Wilco - Box Full of Letters.What a great group! And the next one!
15. Goldfinger - Vintage Queen.Enjoyable. One of the catchiest from Goldfinger. Makes you want to kill babies.
16. U2 - Walk On.Good stuff - can't go wrong with U2. But I used to think it was "Oh God".
17. Aqua - Cartoon Heroes.Why do I like this song so much?
18. System of a Down - Aerials.Play this one loud when you're driving in the dark.
19. Tranformers The Movie - You've Got the Touch.A brilliant, absolutely brilliant sample of 80's Hair Rock. Just makes you wanna conquer the world!
20. Joan Jett - Bad Reputation.This came from the Shrek soundtrack. That's a good soundtrack.

And we're done! Wasn't that fun?

Is that what makes Dr. Phil so great?

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 15:57:19 EST

So I'm visiting my Mom, which means I'm in the middle of southwestern rural Ontario, which means there's nothing to do during the day except fix stuff and watch cable TV. I am also sick as a dog and so, while hacking up a lung I opted to watch a bit of the 'ol Dr. Phil grandeoso instead of changing the washers in the kitchen sink. I avoid this show as much as I can. But every once in a while I need a boost in self-confidence so I watch Dr. Phil in his glory. It's not that I'm necessarily better than the guests on the show, (who do, admittedly have real problems - although their methods may be off) it's more that Dr. Phil, with all his genius, does nothing more than repeat snipits of common sense as can be found in such rare places as:

1) The Bible
2) Lessons written on the walls of a Grade 2 Class
3) Classic Fairy Tales and Fables

Dr. Phil makes such grand statements of pure common sense that I am forced to laugh. What's even funnier is that the entire audience nods and repeats "It's so true!" while filling the room with applause. When, in reality, Dr. Phil has done nothing more than recite what's written on the side panel of a box of Special K. I'm beginning to think North America believes this man has invented "modern thought". That in his mind alone can be found such profound statements as: "You are not defined by what you wear." and "You know, if you didn't spend $400 a week on designer clothes maybe you wouldn't be in debt". Is this the voice of reason in society?

Next week, on Dr. Phil:
Guest: "Dr. Phil, when I move my arm like this it hurts."
Dr. Phil:"Then don't move your arm like that."
Audience: (cheers and applause)
One voice cries out: "You're a genius Dr. Phil!"
Dr. Phil smiles and nods knowingly.

And once again, I am reminded why I don't have cable.

Superman vs. the Japateurs

Fri, 09 Jan 2004 16:22:04 EST

This just popped into my head, nothing to do with anything particular other that the fact I was thinking about it. Months ago I purchased an ancient old VHS tape of some "classic" superman shorts. From what I can tell these animated features were made in the 1950s and released on video in the early 80s. The reasons for never releasing this tape again is clear. It's a perfect representation of a time when people lived in fear of an atomic holocaust; when every foreign country was perceived as a threat. It's shocking for me (of the X generation) to imagine such a time. Granted, people today continue to live in fear, but of a different source. What is shocking about one episode called "Superman vs. The Japateurs" is not that the enemy is Japan (which has not been common since the cold war started) but that they actually refer to the Japanese as "Japs". Seriously, they do. So there's Superman, the true American Hero fighting "The Japs" and walking around being very proud of the fact that he's beating "The Japs" and knowing that because they are "Japs" they are inherently evil. It was all a very surreal experience; a type of entertainment you don't see today, especially in comic books where villains are out-of-world-super-mutants. But, it is a perfect window into the past and sadly leaves a rotting sensation in the pit of your stomach.

Who Wants to Be a Bad Horror Movie?

Fri, 09 Jan 2004 16:19:50 EST

So, i don't watch a lot of TV (all anti-cable and everything) but when I do feel like I need to spend some non-quality time with the television I have a choice of one channel. This local station in particular insists on showing Who Wants to be a Millionaire every weeknight. This is one of my most hated shows. If it's gonna be trivia it should be fast. I find no joy in watching people reason out their unreasonable answers. I don't care that you know which actor starred in My Best Friend's Wedding because you love the movie and you just watched it last week. Just say the damn answer already! Stop sucking up to the host! She doesn't choose the correct answers! She's even stupider than you are! And the music, good lord, the music! The way they play the suspense is like a bad horror movie. I have nightmares! Nightmares about bad trivia games! *sigh* See, this is why I don't watch TV. I won't even get started about how much I hate 7th Heaven (the other show they air every weekday). *shutter*

Christmas Lights Kill Us All

Mon, 01 Dec 2003 19:26:09 EST

I saw a local news report about this guy who lights his house up like Las Vegas for Christmas. Everyone was lovin' it. The whole neighbourhood comes out every year and watches the street lights dim as he plugs it in. And, a plea went out to more light-lovers that if they know of someone with a huge light display they want to put it on the news. Tilley would say: "Why is this news?" But besides that. What is wrong with these people? Why are you wasting all our electricity? You remember that black out we had in the summer? Yeah, would you like that to happen in the middle of winter? So, you want to freeze your ass off in the name of The Season? Good Will towards men you say? Take down a few strings of lights. And stop cutting down trees to appease the 'Deck the Halls' demons. We'll be burning your beautifully decorated pines to ward of the frostbite after your precious lights have sucked away our resources!

So I'm Going Grey... You Wanna Fight?

Fri, 28 Nov 2003 15:28:26 EST

It has recently been made public that my hair is, in fact, quite grey. I have been dying it and highlighting it various shades of red for the past year and that has taken a royal toll on the health of my strands. I do not need to comb my hair, nor do I use conditioner daily because it's not necessary. When hair is dry from harsh chemical treatments such as hair dye, both combing and daily conditioning becomes crucial. Do I have a few extra minutes to comb and condition my hair? Well sure I do, but why should I? Seriously now, if my hair doesn't do it naturally, it's not going to happen. I have movies to review and blogs to post! I don't have time for frivolous preening! But to the greyness... since I've given my hair a rest from the dye torture, my natural colour has made a comeback. Now, it's not quite different, since I was really only highlighting, BUT there are more than a few grey hairs; enough for people to notice in a quick glance (especially since my hair is nearly black). Does this mean I'm old or that I'm a compulsive worrier? No, I'm still young, although I don't see the same greying phenomenon among my peers. Worry? Me? What the hell is that? I'm getting comments like: "You don't have any kids. You're not even married. How can you be stressed enough to get grey hair?" Well, the answer's simple. Stress (except in extenuating circumstances) doesn't cause hair to grey! Genetics do. So go blame my mother, cause she was going grey at a young age as well. My uncle had a white head of hair when he was 25. But, all the same, I think I'm a little young to be pulling off the "wise woman" look. I still buy action figures for god sake.

Finished the Phoenix - Found Wanting

Fri, 14 Nov 2003 07:36:25 EST

Done Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It was a good read, but leaves a little to be desired. I would say it's my least favourite of all HP books, mainly because it didn't really seem to have a point. There was no great mystery of sorts that Harry and his friends had to solve in order to save the day. If there was, it was far too obvious to me and there was no surprise. If I were to put together a plot summary it would go something like this: Harry Potter and his friends from Hogwarts wait for the return of Voldemort. That is all. That's all that happens really. What makes matters worse is that after it's all over there is little or no mystery left in the Potter saga. Dumbledore sits Harry down and explains it all. So what's left for the next 2 years Harry has at Hogwarts? Better be something good. Something damn good. Cause there's not much left unexplained.

Student Loans, Mortgage, RRSPs, and DEATH

Wed, 12 Nov 2003 07:57:27 EST

The Bank called me yesterday and asked if I'd given any thought to investing in RRSPs.
I laughed at them.
Then they asked if I was planning on buying a home.
And I laughed at them.
Do I not have student loans to pay off?
How could I think about retirement when I've only been working for a year?
They told me I was in a very special financial situation, having just started in the workforce and having very little assets.
I'll show you assets.
And suddenly I've come to the realisation that as soon as I finished school I entered the "dead zone". Where, from one end you're fighting to erase the debt you acquired to keep yourself alive during those wonderful post-secondary education years. And, from the other end you're forced to throw money at your impending bodily disintegration and general uselessness to society. In other words: keeping you alive long enough to enjoy your death. That is to say, retirement. All the while you're expected to "make a life for yourself" with the purchase of cars, homes, and children. Naturally, all these things are impossible to acquire without the taking on of much greater debt.
So this is it then is it? Better start making preparations for death. For, if you didn't already realize it, the moment you stopped growing you started dying.
Maybe the Bank should have told me that.
Then I'd be laughing all the way to the Bank.

Ebay Points Now??

Tue, 11 Nov 2003 16:12:43 EST

While I am not afraid to admit that I often order stuff (by stuff I mean things I definitely need beyond a shadow of a doubt) on Ebay. But, I just got an email advertising an Ebay Point Mastercard. So you get your Mastercard, and every time you use it you get credit points to spend on Ebay. Why is this the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard? Why is the point system taking over the world? I'm not an avid point collector, and I still have 4 different cards that (whoops, make that 5) collect 5 different types of points. Do I ever get enough to redeem anything? Not really, I've only redeemed my Air Miles points once, and for something small. Zellers points are a joke, you need a hundred billion points before you can get a cookie jar. Rewards? I see no rewards! And I'm not getting an Ebay Mastercard! I think I might even be ashamed to use it... what, with the colourful Ebay written across the front. People would laugh. I'd laugh at myself. That's like joining the frequent garage saler club. I mean, I love junk, but not that much. Wait...I bet that club really exists... regardless, I believe my point is made.

Troy Revisited!

Thu, 06 Nov 2003 08:34:53 EST

I can see already that this ranting will not cease until the movie Troy actually comes out! But, mieu-mieu's blog has stoked the fire of my rage on the whole topic (ur... again).

So, I pulled up a few sites for Homer's Iliad Plot Summaries. Then at least we'll have a base beyond our vague recollections of the epic poem. Here's what I got: Homer-Iliad Plot Summary and Outline of Homer's Iliad.

Yes it's true, Achilles doesn't die in the Iliad, but he does die near the end of the Trojan War, before they bring in the horse. This, as a result, yes, of his mortal heel. I believe it's Paris that finally does him in with an arrow. But, if there's one thing we have to remember it's this: Homer's Iliad only captures the Trojan War in its 9th year. Events preceding and following the events discussed in the Iliad are still legitimate Trojan War occurrences. Homeric plot does not cover Paris' judging of the three goddesses, nor the stealing away of Helen, nor Achilles' avoidance of the war (in which he's prophesied to die and therefore disguises himself as a women), nor Achilles' death, nor the building and executing of the Trojan Horse plan.

Since I'm such a generous person I'll admit outright, that a movie that's entitled Troy and tells the events of the Trojan War, is not a retelling of Homer's Iliad. Although, sensibly, it should use The Iliad as a base, and should by all rights express its central themes.

That being said, if this new movie is an unfortunate resurrection of the latest mini-series on the subject (which makes Helen's stupidity the central theme) then there'll be some kinda ripping rage roaring through this blog that's for sure!

I think it's time to stop before I get too carried away, but as a side note, to mieu's point, there are 3 possible angles I am aware of for integrating a love interest into Achilles' character. All theories are, naturally, valid considering the vagueness of our sources, but none of which are supported blatantly in The Iliad. Those angles being: Achilles' love for Briseis (his captive who is stolen away by Agamemnon), Achilles' love for Patroclus (as is interpreted often as homo-erotic love and common in Greek society at the time - it'll be interesting to see how this is portrayed in the movie overall), and Achilles' love/lust for the Amazon warrior he kills in battle. Personally, I'd support none except perhaps the last, but even that's a stretch. This should be about war dammmit! WAR!

I'm going to walk away now before flames start shooting out of my eyes.

Eyeballs falling out... and that Nasty Scar on my Forehead...

Tue, 04 Nov 2003 14:32:33 EST

My current project at work is hurting my brains and making my eyes fall out. What to do? Time to make with the Blogging!

So, I finally got a copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix from my local library. I've been at it for a week, and nearly half done. Damn, this is the biggest one yet. It amazes me kids will sit down long enough to read this thing! If it were round, you could bowl with it.

But here's my thing: it's been a while since I read The Goblet of Fire... like years, so I forget stuff, mainly particulars on the writing style. I find the most recent installment of the Harry Potter series to be... downplayed... and somewhat... condescending. Is this a reflection of the world gone the way of idiots? (see Summer Blockbusters 2002 where I discuss this phenomenon in film). Yes I do realize it's a children's book, but if anything it should be getting more complex in style. The age group that started reading Potter as pre-adolescents are now, quite... adolescenated (new word - write that down!). Not to mention the reams of adults (like myself) that appreciate the Potter! I mean, this time round they released two versions of the book, one with cover art appealling to children, and one with cover art appealling to adults. So the publishers see the audience for who they are... perhaps Rowling does not. Even still, I would tend to give children a little more credit than she seems to in her most recent book. I mean, is it really necessary to spell out what Harry's thinking? I'd like to think children can draw their owns conclusions based on a character's actions. I'd like to think we all know Harry well enough to do this by now. I simply don't see the need to put in lengthy paragraphs of questions Harry is asking himself. "Could I be jealous of Ron? Why can't I be smart like Hermione? Why does everybody hate me? Why does my scar hurt all the time? Why doesn't anyone believe me? Do all orphans suffer as much as I do? Do I really whine too much? Is my owl ugly? Am I ugly? Where's my dinner? If I'm so powerful, why aren't I King of the World by now?" (those are of course, not spoilers, I'm just making this shit up :)

So there it is. Maybe the Harry Potter books were always written that way, and it's I who am the idiot.

Thesauruses? Thesauri?

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 09:25:12 EST

I was in Chapters yesterday and posted in the Dictionary section was this sign: "Dictionaries and Thesauri". Thesauri is the plural to thesaurus? That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard. I guess I've never thought about it but... maybe I would say Thesauruses or Thesaurusi. Although, that seems bizarre too. I'll just avoid using the plural of Thesaurus altogether. How often are there more than one (besides in a book store)? Even more shocking is that the Bizwarcho spell check didn't pick up Thesauruses as a misspelled word. Strange. Conspiracy?

Americans Love Guns

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 09:10:39 EST

So I watched Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine. We need more of those kinds of films; ones that expose the truths of life that we try so hard to forget. So we're talking about firearms, and murder rates in different countries around the world. Why are there so many people murdered by guns in America and not in Canada? Michael Moore's theory: fear. Americans are scared. Why are they scared? Because they're told not to trust their fellow man. Who tells them this? The News. This is something that is blatantly obvious. I lived in Buffalo for 8 months and I couldn't believe the difference between the new reports even just over the border.

A Typical American News Report:
Who's being bombed by the States overseas.
Statement by the President justifying it.
Hold up at a Bank/Convenience Store.
Gang shootings.
Murder/suicide.
Accidental child death by gun/neglect.
Health report about obesity followed by a Burger King commercial.
Why Burger King rules the world.
Why America rules the world.

A Typical Canadian New Report:
Who's being bombed by the States overseas and whether or not we've got peacekeepers there.
The Prime Minster hosting visitors from overseas.
Car accident.
House fire.
Government funding for Health Care.
Changes to Taxes.
The price of gas/hydro.
Winter is coming/getting worse.

And that's is. Seriously, I swear Canadians spend the same amount of air time talking about snow/winter as the Americans do about hostile invaders.

What are Americans afraid of? Terrorists. How can they protect themselves? Guns. And what do they do to protect themselves? Shoot people.

What are Canadians afraid of? Winter. How can they protect themselves? Mittens. And what do they do to protect themselves? Nothing, only complain about the weather.

God, it makes me laugh.

Cancer News

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 11:26:21 EST

There are updates on cancer-causing or cancer-reducing agents everyday on the news.
Today it's a real shocker.
Those who tan in tanning beds have a higher risk of developing skin cancer.
The shock!
Now that I would have never guessed.

My Woes of Supply and Demand

Fri, 10 Oct 2003 19:10:34 EST

So here we go...
Throughout my life I have always found that my demand for certain items in the world of shopping is about 1-2 years ahead of the actual supply of these items. This includes fashion, home decor, practical gadgets etc.

One time I found this hideous tank top in a thrift store that was fushia with red trim, and I thought it was just ugly enough to be cool. What did I see the next summer as the style of the season? That's right... fushia and red...together... and everywhere.

I have little doubt that there will be a green managerial computer chair craze within a year. Naturally of course, I have already been forced to buy a boring grey chair just to satisfy my comfort needs.

Regardless, throughout this week I have been hunting stores far and wide for two items that I need for my new apartment: a microwave stand and curtains for the front window. I need more counter space, and I'm tired of the neighbours looking at me.

And, in my giagantic brain, I had a pretty picture of what I was looking for. Do you think I could find it anywhere? Oh no! Unheard of!

How difficult can it be to find an unfinished, wooden microwave stand with a drawer and/or cabinets? Oh it's difficult. Quite difficult indeed. I searched Walmart, Zellers, Building Box, Home Depot, and Canadian Tire. If they had microwave stands at all they were laminate finished, oak-look or white. Is it simply unheard of that someone would want to paint or finish their own stand? Yes, yes it is. Only cheaply made, over-priced, 'normal-coloured' microwave stands in this world! I imagine in a year the new craze in kitchen decor will be functional furniture you can decorate yourself. I would paint mine red. But I just bought a white laminate microwave stand because I need it NOW.

Second request: brightly coloured (green and/or blue), vertical striped curtains that will cover my window. These do not exist in any size, shape or form in this city let me tell you! I couldn't even find fabric that would do the job for me to make my own! I found some striped fabric with the right colours... but it was polar fleece and the stripes were horizontal. *sigh* So I bought some fabric of the desired solid colours and I will proceed to make my own striped fabric. I await the day when I see my curtain fabric design in some catalogue sometime next year.

In the meantime I'm very bitter.

Stupid Season

Tue, 07 Oct 2003 08:33:51 EST

Welcome to the season of stupidity when all the world is frozen in the morning and by noon it's thawed out. When the sun comes out at full-force early afternoon raising the ambient temperature to 25 degrees and it's beach weather. But, by dinnertime the sun's gone away and your breath starts to freeze an inch from your face. When the weather's like this exactly what are you supposed to wear? What are you supposed to do? Is a little consistency too much to ask? I mean, I'd like to believe that if I put on a sweater and a jacket in the morning, when I go back outside to go home in the afternoon I won't have to strip it all off. But this is what happens. Sometimes I even take off my socks and shoes for my feet begin to sweat. I almost prefer winter to all this messing around. In winter you know it'll be cold. You put on your coat, your scarf and your mitts and you're good to go. You're warm. There's none of this warming up to a sweltering heat in the afternoon - no jacket required. Welcome to Fall everyone! The season that messes with your mind!!

Good Morning to You Too Trashman!

Wed, 24 Sep 2003 10:39:38 EST

So, I'm in a new apartment. A one bedroom, all by myself for the first time and it's marvellous. The location is good, the landlord is great, and all my stuff fits in it! But there's just one thing:
The garbage truck.
The garbage truck comes promptly at 6:00AM every Tuesday morning.
The garbage truck backs into the parking lot, right by my bedroom window.
The garbage truck has an unnaturally loud backing up indicator beep.
So there I am, happily dreaming and coming to the end of my restful sleep and suddenty everthing that was once shining and cheerful is oozing black tar. The sky goes black. The air rings with a blood curtling screech. It's disrupting to my sleep, and I wake up horrified, my heart pounding in my chest. I open my eyes. The morning sunshine is just creeping through the blinds.
But the beeping! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
I can't escape it.
It's everywhere.
And then the realization comes: it's Tuesday.
The trashman screams out a shockingly blissful "Good Morning!" to my neighbour who is disgustingly up at that ungodly time.
It's not the way to wake up.
It's not.
And it's so wrong.

What is this? The Trojan War or D-Day?

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 21:00:47 EST

As I'm ranting about the movie Helen of Troy, I just realized that I should promptly write a review about it too.

As stated in my last blog, I'm a big fan of Homer's Illiad, so this may account for my violent disapproval of the most recent retelling of the tale. They took a different spin on the story, which accounts for the way it was presented, but really by doing this they removed mystery, romance, and all things "epic", making it an excellent waste of millions of sandals. They modernized the story, taking out all references to the Greek Gods being actual powerful beings (and instead were mysterious nothings that people just talked about in some form of worship), and glorified the Trojans as a inherently "good" people while protraying the Greeks as violent and blood thirsty.

Believe it or not, the Greeks weren't just mass brutality with a devastating naval force! *gasp* They were in fact, the founders/developers of our, yes, that's right, our society. Our education system, law system, political system, you guessed it! Came from Ancient Greece. So what are they saying? If the Trojans hadn't been so stupid and brought in the horse, their ways would have been the basis for western society and we'd all live peaceful lives? Well then, who can I blame for that? *searches for King Priam and hopes he enjoys rolling over in his grave*

Yes, war is bloody. Didn't we learn that from Saving Private Ryan? Yes, the thirst for power does turn innocent people into victims. Didn't we learn that from Schindler's List? What's more, by making the main character of the story Helen (a ridiculous, blathering, shapely figure who would be more useful as a doorstop), many of the most interesting parts for character development are glossed over (or ignored). Most vile I found was "The Rocking" of Achilles. "Rocking" is a term I use to describe characters that are written for The Rock (good god, he has an official website!). Just because Achilles can wrestle, doesn't mean he's a Pro Wrestler, nor does it mean he has the personality of one. Achilles is one of literature's greatest heroes, and he's not this because he's a blood-thirsty savage. He overcomes adversity like all great heroes, something that is completely ignored by this film. Remedy this by making an Achilles movie you say? Yeah, that could work I guess. But it doesn't stop the pain. Oh the pain!

Why, at the very end of the movie, when everyone's dead and depressed (am I spoiling it for you? Come on, READ A BOOK!) is the theme suddenly "war only creates monsters and ends in destruction and pain"? I...this is not... that was not the... point... I... is this a documentary on the modern view of war or a fictional story about the ancient past? And I repeat... fictional. Fic-tion-al. The opening of the movie makes it sound like it's based on some sort of fact. "You've heard the legend, now this is how it really happened. I was there." Yeah right, no one even believed Troy existed until the broken city was unearthed in 1861 by Schliemann!! God this pisses me off. I'm going to take my short sword and show them what blood thirsty really is. *sigh* or I'll just sit here and rant more. What was good was the Trojan Horse part. That was amazingly done with great special effects and unequalled artistic design.

What do ya mean, Troy?

Fri, 12 Sep 2003 11:52:59 EST

After reading mieu-mieu's blog I started reflecting on those wonderful epics by Homer. Yes, I read both The Illiad and The Odyssey. Tough reading yes, but interesting for sure. I have a collectable copy of each sitting happily on my shelf.

Why didn't I know they were making (or have already made for the most part) a major motion picture called Troy (and this is major with huge actors and budget both)? Damn them. Damn them for beating me to it! Have I, or have I not been rolling around ideas for a good screenplay (and it has to be staggeringly good otherwise it becomes a conscious betrayal of the importance of classic literature)?

All I can say is they'd better do it right. I have faith in most involved so that's a good sign to start. However... I had faith in those involved in the making of the HULK atrocity and we all know how well that turned out. And Bana's in this one too, but I'm not about to blame him for the terrible dirction the HULK took.

If anything, as long as Sean Bean gets a lot of screen time I should be able to make it through even the worst over-produced, over-acted, flashy, mainstream retelling of the epic. I love that man's mouth. It must be his theatrical training. His ennuciation is perfect, so precise in fact that I find myself mesmorized. "It is a gift," he says in the Fellowship. "We could use this gift." Jeez, has anyone ever said the word "gift" so perfectly?!? Everytime he speaks I forget for a brief moment the absolute ruination of the English language we experience daily.

Sean Bean is a gift in himself :)

No Cable! No Cable!

Tue, 09 Sep 2003 20:00:18 EST

So, I am officially boycotting Rogers Cable!! The contempt goes deep... ever since the first time I tried to order Cable Internet and I couldn't because the cable was under my landlord's name and I needed his permission. Why must they make such senseless demands? I refused them then. I used to laugh when the Roger's Network would go down and all my friends were disconnected, and me with my trusty DSL stood alone. And now, I know I would never watch enough TV to get my money's worth for even basic cable. Besides, basic cable is a rip-off!! Extened cable is robbery!! Digital Cable/Satellite is rape!!! Just more of the useless drabble! Now you can watch Reality TV 25 hours a day! Say farewell to your brain and hello to your new jello-filled skull! Also, the instant I found out non-subscribers have to pay an extra $10 for cable internet I threw up my hands and refused to get High Speed Cable. Rogers is dead to me. Dead. So here I am terribly happy with my DSL and my one disgustingly fuzzy, horribly local station. Does seem a bit of a waste of my high definition tv but... that's what DVDs are for afterall...

Judgement Day

Fri, 15 Aug 2003 11:43:03 EST

So yesterday was Judgement Day and Skynet is now taking over the power grid for all of Ontario and the Eastern United States causing the largest Power Outage in North American History!! Apparently not and act of terroism, the Niagara Power Plant had some super problems. The Americans blame the Canadian Plant for a mechanical issue that cause the fault, and the Canadians blame the Americans for a fire which caused the fault. What's the problem here (besides the grand loss of power I mean)? Get over yourselves, start buying beef, get a frickin' clue, and let's make some changes already!
I blame the power outage on all these retards pumping up their air conditioning because they... well... they're idiots.
Are these not the same people who complain all winter long that's it's too cold?
They can't wait for summer when it's hot.
So.
Now it's hot.
Annnnnddd, they pump the air conditioner all through the day and night.
At work the air conditioner keeps the temperature in the offices and very healthy 17 degrees C. It's so cold in fact that people wear sweaters and use space heaters. SPACE HEATERS! Now that's a double waste of resources if you ask me! But does anyone do anything about it? Oh, no! There are thousands of office buildings doing the exact same thing.
So the world goes to hell without power.
You can't get gas.
You can't direct traffic.
You can't use computers.
You can't get money.
All because everyone is wasting power.
And they don't care.
It's the same thing with water. No shock there when that all starts running dry. No wonder Mother Earth is talking back(see my blog on crop circles). Maybe she should start fighting back.
Stupid idiots.
Stupid humans.
Maybe they should start using their higher intelligence.
Or maybe I should kill them all.
All the same I'm not surprised by this recent massive outage. It's kinda funny. And I had a lovely evening reading and playing cards by candlelight. Perhaps we should do this every month. It forces people to communicate, play games, and read instead of mushing their brains in Reality Shows.

Fruits of my Rage Become Public

Fri, 08 Aug 2003 11:02:26 EST

So, this morning on the radio the DJ went on this rant about how ridiculous the local Plowing Match is. He laughed at length and had a grand old time. But, he really has no idea what a Plowing Match is at all.
Unamused by his antics, insulted by his mockery of rural heritage, and feeling the rage building, I raced into work and I wrote an email complaint to the station where i called the DJ in essence, 'dumber than a sheepdog'. (that is of course because sheepdogs are incredibly intelligent and the DJ doesn't seem to know much.)
I just got an email response from the DJ himself, actually commenting me on how well-written my complaint was. Geez, that's a first. Somehow I laced my rage with nice words. *wink* Am I, or am I not a writer? :)
Needless to say, he challenged me to a plowing match. We will see who's "Queen of the Furrow". I'll let you know how that all turns out!

Crop Circle Close to Home

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 16:07:28 EST

I knew there had been crop circle occurances in the province. But I never thought there'd be one down the street! Ok, so not so much down the street as in my neighbourhood...close to my hometown but nevertheless, it's there! On July 30, 2003 there appeared a most elaborate crop circle in Hensall Ontario. Apparently it's legitimate. Damn that's crazy.
There was much talk about such things in England while I was lurking around Stonehenge but this is different! This is... real! All in all though it's kinda cool and also kinda creepy. So what, the world is ruled by aliens now? Demons you say? Well that's just fabulous. Excuse me while I eat my silly putty.
I watched this special on crop circles once which was insanely interesting. Apparently they are "mathematically themed" and change consistently worldwide. Meaning, this year crop circles around the world feature tesselations and next year they might be perpendicular bisectors or something like that. They are also getting more complicated as time goes on.
One theory is that Mother Earth herself is attempting to communicate with us by forming the circles. I'm glad she can express herself so clearly, cause I'm sure she has some rivetting things to say. Although, she's probably just flipping us the bird.
That said, I'm off to start a forest fire. Try sending an email next time Earth Mother!

Sars Stock

Tue, 05 Aug 2003 08:34:54 EST

Yes, I was at Sars stock. Yes, I got sun stroke. Yes, there were a lot of bathrooms. No, I did not have to wait in line. Yes, I left a little early. No, there was no traffic whatsoever. It was a good time. Definitely a bizarre feeling being there with so many people and having no real sense of how many people were there.

No, Justin Timberlake didn't belong. Yes, he knew it. That's why he didn't try. But the apathy didn't help him much either. He wanted to see the Stones just like everybody else, but instead of paying for tickets he sang three songs that weren't worth 3 cents.

No Chair for the Little Blogger

Thu, 31 Jul 2003 16:11:39 EST

So...I'm in the market for a new computer chair.
It has to have arms.
It has to be comfortable.
It has to be less than $200.
It has to be green.
Well...green or orange or yellow or red. Is that too much to ask?
Yes, yes it is.
Apparently good, comfortable chairs with arms are classified as "managerial chairs". Managers are professionals. They only like dark colours like black and burgandy and sometimes navy if they're really spunky. This is the way the world works. Can ordinary people who wish to have a bit of comfort while they blog get a good, comfortable chair with arms? Well sure they can, some models are affordable. But they can't have colour. We must never have colour.
I will now go try to convince the staples boobs to dye a grey chair green. And when they resist, I will hulk out, and rampage the store.

Footnote

Fri, 25 Jul 2003 16:20:53 EST

Man, I forgot The Hulk made me so angry. That felt good. I've been so lathargic as of late that it's difficult to rant.

In fact, the complete opposite of ranting is seeing two full rainbows... that is, a double rainbow with two complete arches. Absolutely unbelievable. I spit on The Big Bang Theory. I spit on atheists. That kind of stuff isn't possible because of random events. It doesn't even happen by accident.

The Hulk

Fri, 25 Jul 2003 16:06:09 EST

I read Tilley's blog about The Hulk movie before I had seen it. So, I took his suggestion and ignored the bad CG animation. Unfortunately for the world, without the CGI, there'd be nothing left of the movie but a vague hint of a point. I'm not sure what the movie was trying to be, but it certainly wasn't about the Hulk I know and love.

The first half of the movie was about science. And, because science is SO great, the whole first hour was tremendously rivetting. They obsessed over everything scientific, ultimately ignoring the fact that it was impossible, insane science. Over-justifying the scientific basis for Bruce Banner's mutation is of no real interest to me. I don't want to see blood samples, I don't want to see microscopes or centrifuges. I'v seen those in real labs. Hell, I've USED them!

Once the pivotable mutation occurred, the movie took a quick turn and became 'the psychology of the hulk'. who's interested in what a mass of muscle is thinking? why isn't he smashing more stuff? Half way through the movie I wondered why it was so boring, why did those people talk so much about nothing?

Lastly, where was the villain? Mutated well-meaning beasts like the hulk are supposed to battle villains with some sort of motive. In this movie the hulk had 3 enemies. 1) mutant dogs = easily defeated and dumb, more comic relief than anything 2) jealous army guy = smashed effortlessly 3) daddy = undermotivated and only present for the last 15 minutes as anything remotely villainous.

All in all, The Hulk was the first movie I've seen in theatres in a long time that was so bad i screamed at the end 'what the hell was that?', blew a raspberry in conjugtion with double thumbs down, and promptly snuck into Charlie's Angel: Full Throttle.

Ice Pick Meets Book

Thu, 26 Jun 2003 18:17:31 EST

Yes Tenzwarth to make a point, my life is rather uninteresting since my car was exorcized. And unfortunately, my rants are being focused elsewhere. DELL is increasingly becoming my least favourite bunch of people in existance (and because it's so painful I will not elaborate). There's a nasty letter soon to come their way in which I make many senseless demands.

Another ranting letter has just been mailed to an author named Adam Davies, whose first novel The Frog King has made me more angry at a book (and therefore its creator) than I ever have been before. I nearly put an ice pick through it. If the cover hadn't been so green I might have. Instead, I stomp on it everyday and curse at it. I'm trying not to tell people about my extreme rage regarding this book, because then they might be inclined to read it. Don't get me wrong... it's well written, with amusing little anicdotes. But it right pissed me off and I felt it necessary to inform the author of this. And that's my story. Perhaps, if by some slim chance I get a reply I will post this episode in my 'rants' section of my website for all to enjoy.

websites of insanity

Mon, 26 May 2003 21:35:57 EST

This past week I have discovered three websites that are unequalled in all cyberspace. The first is sars.com, a staggering work by someone quite useless. Next up is timecube.com, which is guarantee to make your brain explode. Damn, this guy must be the most bizarrely deluded, gasoline huffing person in the world. But he expresses himself in huge multi-coloured font. It's hilarious. If you don't believe you yourself are evil for being educated by the end of it you've missed the point! Last up, the best website ever: madcow.com. Hands down. Best site ever (to quote millhop). The end.

Reality THIS!

Wed, 23 Apr 2003 15:22:44 EST

I am disturbed by the focus and (im)balance of our society. Presently, the mass population of western society believes that reality shows are the height of entertainment. How could they not? They are being supplied with nothing else!

Honestly, to me there is not one television show that's so unbelievably good I can't miss an episode. True, some are tolerable enough to warrant a viewing now and then. But on the whole, the act of "watching tv" is spent flipping and cursing. More genius, brilliance, and creativity can be found flipping through the pages of a good book. Believe me, there are more good books to be had at your local library than good tv programs on your digital cable or satellite network.

Television is void of life.
The entertainment sector is sucking lemons.
And with it, the spirit of society is going sour.

Why is this happening? What is wrong with this world? When did sitting down and using your eyes become "exercise"?

Cable TV: $40/month.
Library Card: free. completely free.

There are myriads of books on my "to read" list. These are highly recommended, well-known, blow you pants off books. TV programs "to watch"? Rah, none. That kind of mind-numbing deathwish I can do without.

Justifying My Native Tongue

Wed, 23 Apr 2003 15:21:34 EST

My secondary job (that which I'm not paid for) is tutoring my korean officemate in the ways of the ridiculous english language. English is the most ridiculous, patched together, mix-and-matched, illogical language in existance. It's so retarded it couldn't have been made up! Only natural progression could screw anything up so much. There are rules, but we never follow them! I don't even try to justify this stupid language of ours to him, but typically I can make sense of most phrases or slang on a historial or practical level. Today I am stumped:
based off of
based on
Do these not mean the same thing? In what sensible linguistic way can off and on mean the same thing? I now understand why they no longer teach formal grammar lessons in school. You can't do it. Every time we open our mouths it's a grammatical sin. Take a good look around you. Observe your collegues, your family, your friends. Welcome to linguistic hell, where every breath is eternal punishment and every word is a felony!

UPS: Useless Person Service

Wed, 23 Apr 2003 15:21:26 EST

Here's my strangest experience with UPS. Hope you learn something :)

January 6th I ordered an awe-inspiring action figure of Zorak, the final piece to my Space Ghost collection.

In 4-6 weeks, Zorak didn't come.

So I called the Cartoon Network boobs and yelled at them for their retarded online ordering and wanted to know where my parcel was. They said there may have been some confusion with the address (i'm not prepared to address this now) and it may take up to 12 weeks.

Ok, ok, I say. But I'm still unhappy.

March 17th I receive a letter from UPS demanding brokerage charges to be paid on a parcel.

I ignored them because that's stupid.

So they sent another letter repeating the same demand. So I called them up. They explained the charges, that being clear, I casually inquired as to which parcel (out of three online orders in that time frame) the charges were for.
"That was a package delivered on January 8th from Atlanta. Contents: toys."
"I received no such parcel."
clacking of a keyboard
"The driver's log confirms delivery on January 8th. Says he left it in the barbeque."
What the? How the? Why?
"The BARBEQUE!?!?" says I.
"That's what it says. The barbeque."
"Why would he do that?"
"I don't know. That's what it says."
"Well, I'll go check but I don't think it'll be out there."

So I go check.
Now, our barbeque isn't really a barbeque. It's about the size of a dinner plate and until that weekend was buried in a 4 ft. snowbank. I checked in the barbeque.

Nothing.

But precariously beneath the table, thrown much askew was a terribly neglected, terribly lost, terribly wet package. Contents: toys.

I dialed my favourite UPS number. I explained.
"He didn't even leave a note to tell me he left it in the barbeque."
"He should have."
"He left it outside in January, in a snowbank, not the barbeque."
"Why would he do that?"
"I don't know, where would he even have gotten the idea to leave it in the barbeque anyway? Who checks their barbeque for parcels in the winter?"
"Who leaves a parcel in a barbeque?"
"It didn't even fit in the barbeque! He walked around the back and climbed over snowbanks to leave a parcel sitting outside."
"That's wierd."
"You're telling me. I was waiting for that parcel, I harassed the company I ordered it from for months. I didn't know it was in a snow bank. It's been sitting in my backyard for 3 months!"
"I cannot make excuses for this man."

So, i didn't have to pay the brokerage charges and Zorak is happily sitting beside Space Ghost at last!

The barbeque? But WHY?
My brain hurts just thinking about it.

The Beginning of the End

Mon, 14 Apr 2003 13:03:49 EST

Observe the posting date. This marks the beginning of my Blog and the end of existance as you know it. I am Danger. I like words. I like to form words into long run-on sentences. I like to rant. I like to put my rants into words to form long run-on sentences. Giving me access to a Blog system such as this MAY have been a mistake. However, if you enjoy this but a fraction as much as I'm bound to you'll be changed forever :)