Newsflash for Diners and Drinkers

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 19:33:50 EST

Having come from many years in the restaurant/bar industry, I've always wanted to make a list of things that piss off the people who wait on you. My motivation comes partly from actually wanting to inform the public of their annoying habits, and partly to have an "inside joke" with bartenders across the globe, who have always felt this way but never been able to express themselves to the masses. So, without further ado, here is the beginning of my potentially very long list of things that enrage those of the food and beverage industry:

1. The Verbal Tip: If you think someone has done a really stellar job waiting on you or inebriating you, then it calls for you to tip them, and tip them well. At the end of the day, we don't care and really don't remember you or what you say as our patron. Raving about the service is always nice, but its nicer to walk home with your aching back and feet knowing you have a fat stash of cash to do with as you please. The Verbal Tip is a common phenomenon where a guest or table of guests raves about your service, (sincerely), and then leaves practically nothing to reward you with.

2. Bait and Switch: Bartenders absolutely HATE it when we're 3 deep, the service printer is rolling over non-stop, and you are having a hissy at the end of the bar for us to come over and take your order, and when we get there to do so you have to round up your friends and ask them what they want, or you simply don't know what you want. In a busy bar or restaurant, the rule of thumb is be your own cocktail waitress. Figure out what you want BEFORE you go flagging us down like someone with a flat in the rain who is being chased by rabid tigers. If you waste our time, we'll ignore you or walk away, and not care about your dollar tip.

3. Let's play Run the Server!: "Running" your server is another common phenomenon where a table asks for something to be brought to them, and then when it is brought to them, they ask for another item. As a common courtesy, figure out everything you could possibly need from the kitchen or elsewhere, and THEN request it from your server or bartender.

4. We need separate tabs - but we're all paying with cash! This is not really that bad, but is dumb anyway.

5. When you sit down at the bar, and then ask where another bartender is before even saying hello...This is an insult even if you don't mean it. Bartenders are highly proud, sensitive, people who crave approval and attention - its just in their makeup. When you immediately ask about someone else before saying hello to the person that is there, it is basically translating into: "I wish the other person was here instead" - this is just a courtesy issue however.

6. Your filthy little mess-making children who run all over the restaurant plotting to knock us over with hot food all over their head because you are too lazy to discipline them and clean up after them when they throw food all over the floor and you are too lazy to take them outside when they are screaming their lungs out and pissing off the entire restaurant with their incessant crying....No one, I repeat NO ONE wants to wait on your bratty child, or clean up their disgusting, slimy little mess under the high chair.

7. You alcoholics who get angry when we cut you off. This just proves you need to be cut off.

8. You gross stalkers who have nothing else to do but ogle and make rude comments and complain about your husband/wife. Go away, we don't care.

9. You don't know me - really. Just because we wait on you 5 days a week, and know all about your entire life, doesn't mean you know anything about us. We are actors trained to listen to you and befriend you in order for you to tip us well. We do care about you, but it doesn't mean you know us or have a meaningful relationship with us.

10. We don't owe you a thing. We hate it when people ask for a free drink. This means you probably won't tip us anyway. We give away free drinks to people we like and who will tip us even more because they didn't have to pay for their drinks.

In conclusion (for now), it really is all about the tip, folks. So take some of our tips - and we'll love waiting on you and give you even greater service!

How to Piss Off Your Bartender or Server

Newsflash for Diners and Drinkers